192-SYB-Vulnerability-Hangover.mp3: this mp3 audio file was automatically transcribed by Sonix with the best speech-to-text algorithms. This transcript may contain errors.
Carol Cox:
Have you ever had a vulnerability hangover? I know I have. Listen in for strategies that you can use on this episode of the Speaking Your Brain podcast. More and more women are making an impact by starting businesses, running for office, and speaking up for what matters. With my background as a TV political analyst, entrepreneur, and speaker, I interview and coach purpose driven women to shape their brands, grow their companies, and become recognized as influencers in their field. This is speaking your brand, your place to learn how to persuasively communicate your message to your audience. Hi there and welcome to the Speaking Your Brand podcast. I’m your host, Carol Cox. Today we’re talking about vulnerability hangovers, and this topic came to mind as I’ve been reading the scripts of the speakers for our summit. They’ve been working with our volunteer speaking coaches, and then after they work together, I go through and I read over all of their scripts and give them additional feedback, and I have just been in awe of the emotional resonance of the personal stories that they share and how they’re going to take you as an attendee of the summit, take the audience on their journey of discovery about themselves, but then ultimately about us. And so then I started thinking about this idea of vulnerability hangovers. I know I definitely have had them. A vulnerability hangover is when you say something, usually something that’s very personal, that’s very revealing about yourself. Whether you say it to one person that you know or you say it to hundreds or thousands of people who are strangers, either way, it’s that feeling that you have afterwards of, oh, maybe I shouldn’t have said that, or oh, maybe I shouldn’t have put myself out there like that.
Carol Cox:
And for me, this happens when I release particular podcast episodes, especially ones that are more personally revealing or happened to be more political, because those tend to be more controversial for some people. And so the podcast airs every Tuesday morning, 5 a.m. eastern time. It goes out and I know some Monday nights I’m either going to bed or I wake up in the middle of the night and I think, oh, this episode is going, how do I really want to do this? But every time I just let it go, like it’s already cued in, in there to go out at 5 a.m. and I let it go. And I’m always happy that I did. So I want to talk today in this episode about some strategies that you can use to help the vulnerability hangovers feel a little bit easier. I’m not sure you can. You can avoid them entirely, but there are ways to make them easier. And so why are vulnerability hangovers so hard to begin with is because we are revealing more about ourselves, and then we’re worried that people are going to judge us, that they’re going to look at us differently, that they’re not going to want to work with us as a client.
Carol Cox:
They’re not going to want to be our friend if it’s a personal relationship. So we feel this anticipation of a feeling of rejection or of not belonging. And of course, that is so fundamental to who we are as human beings. Yet on the flip side, and of course, this work that I’m talking about here all comes from Brene Brown and the incredible work that she’s done on vulnerability and shame and connection and belonging. But on the flip side of this, fear of rejection is connection. And it’s through our vulnerability is how we connect deeper with those around us. And again, that could be one on one with a relationship that you have with someone. And it can also be with our audiences. So why be vulnerable, connect deeper with our audiences to help them understand themselves better? That’s really what we’re doing as a speaker, as a thought leader, as an entrepreneur, as a coach, is that we’re helping the audience reflect on themselves through our stories and through our experiences. Also, being vulnerable is contagious. Courage is contagious. And so as we role model vulnerability, then the people around us will be more likely to do it themselves. And then ultimately, being vulnerable allows us to understand ourselves better. And I know that the times on this podcast that I have been more vulnerable, I have learned so much about myself, and I feel like I’m becoming a better entrepreneur, a better leader, a better speaker, a better coach, and ultimately a better person.
Carol Cox:
Before we get into specific strategies for vulnerability hangovers, make sure that you’ve registered for our free live virtual summit that takes place October 15th, 2020. It’s live that day only. There won’t be any recordings distributed afterwards, so you’re going to want to make sure that you’re there to listen to our incredible speakers deliver their ten minute Ted style talk. So it’s personal, it’s emotional. It’s compelling. It’s powerful. You are going to learn so much, you’re going to walk away inspired and energized. And then we also have two panel discussions. One panel is with our volunteer speaking coaches where they’re going to be talking about how to craft a stellar speech. So how do they work with our speakers to get them to where they are on October 15th? And then the second panel is on building your thought leadership platform. So we have amazing panelists who have done just that, and they’re going to be sharing how they did it and things that you can do as well. We’re going to have games and prizes, networking opportunities. It’s going to be a lot of fun, and I know the women who are speaking are going to be so grateful and appreciative that you are there, live to support them. You can get registered again. Everything is free at speaking your brand.com/summit. Again, that’s speaking your brand.com/summit. You can also text the word speaking to 33777.
Carol Cox:
So text the word speaking to 33777. And then after you enter your email address and your name, you’ll get an email to your inbox with a direct link to register for the summit, so it makes it easy. If you’re on your phone right now. And I promise I will not send you any other text messages again, Register for free for our virtual summit and invite your friends and colleagues who would like to go as speaking your brand.com/summit. Let’s get into specific strategies that you can use for vulnerability hangovers. And these are ones that I have used myself. Now here’s the thing. There is no real cure for vulnerability hangovers, and I’m sure you probably figured that out. Even though I titled this episode The Cure for Vulnerability hangovers. There is no cure except not being vulnerable in the first place, and so that can seem like an easy solution. Well, if I’m just not vulnerable, if I just don’t share anything about myself, then I don’t have to worry about these vulnerability hangovers. But as we talked about a few minutes ago, then you are depriving your audience and those around you and yourself out of the personal growth and discovery that you can get by being vulnerable with others. Strategy number one is to normalize it. Know that when you are feeling a vulnerability hangover, that it’s okay and it’s normal, and it’s to be expected. When I wake up at 3 a.m.
Carol Cox:
in the middle of the night and I think about the podcast episode or the email that I’m sending out, and I wonder, oh, should I do this? What I tell myself is that you, what you are feeling is normal. What you are feeling is expected. It’s okay. And by doing that, then I’m training myself to know that this is something that I want to do and is going to have a positive outcome. The other thing that I remind myself of is that part of the power of sharing our stories and experiences as women is that we normalize these experiences for others as well. When other people hear us sharing our stories, our particular experiences, and maybe they’ve had something similar to happen to them, they can start thinking, oh, I’m not alone in this. Other people experience this as well. And that was such a huge part of what they called consciousness raising circles during the second wave of feminism in the 1970s is that women would get together and share their experiences as mothers, as partners, as workers. And they realized, oh, we’re not alone. I’m not the only one experiencing this. And this is what helped galvanize the women’s movement during that time. Another thing that normalizing what we’re feeling does is that it gets rid of this idea of perfectionism that we have to be perfect, or that other people have to be perfect when they show up for us.
Carol Cox:
Second strategy for vulnerability hangovers is that the more you do it, the easier it gets. And I know I say this so much about just life in general when it comes to whether it’s getting nervous before a speaking engagement or pitching yourself or doing sales conversations, whatever it happens to be. It really is true that the more you do it, the easier it gets. I look at the podcast episodes I’ve done this year, starting with the Choosing Women’s Voices Challenge in March for Women’s History Month, followed up by a feminist approach to public speaking, and then the episode that Diane Diaz and I did in June on the work of anti-racism as white women, to the very personal episode I did in August on my own journey as a thought leader and my relationship to my father. And even though all of those were hard in their own way, the more that I’ve done episodes like that, the easier it does get. Now, I will still have that reaction in that night or in the next morning, but then I start to see the track record of, oh, I was able to do this. I put it out. It helped people. People told me that they appreciated that episode, and so now it’s much easier to continue to do that strategy. Number three is to be clear on why you’re doing it. So be clear on why you’re sharing that particular story. What is the purpose that will help the person that you’re sharing it with or the audience that you’re sharing it with? And when I think about that, all those times that I have these vulnerability hangovers and start to doubt whether or not I should put that particular content or story out there.
Carol Cox:
Then I come back to my purpose. How is this helping you as the listener? How is this helping the audience? And so if I really staying grounded in that, then I can start going back to strategy number one, which is to normalize and tell myself, okay, it is normal that I’m feeling this way, but this is the bigger purpose of why I’m doing it. The fourth strategy is boundaries. So you definitely want to know going into sharing a story, whether it’s on your own podcast, if you’re a guest on someone else’s podcast, if you’re doing a speaking engagement or a webinar, know what particular aspects of a story, what details of a story you want to share ahead of time. So it’s helpful to work out the story. Maybe you write it out or voice type it out, dictate it out to get a transcript of it on your own so that you get all the details of the story out, and then decide what are the details that you want to share. Strategy number five is to give yourself a role or an alter ego when you’re sharing the story. I talked on the podcast last year, so in 2019, there was an episode called Push Past Your Speaking Plateau, and I’ll link to that in the show notes.
Carol Cox:
And I talked in that episode about this idea of having an alter ego, and it’s kind of like a character or a composite character that you take. Maybe it’s someone that you admire, whether it’s a historical figure, someone who’s currently present, someone who’s just a fictional character, you can kind of take qualities from different characters, different people, and create your own alter ego of those qualities that you want to have for yourself. You can also give yourself a role. As I was preparing for this episode, I was thinking about the times in my career that I have felt these vulnerability hangovers, and what I realized was that I don’t feel them when I go on TV news to do political analysis. So I’ve been doing political analysis for 15 years. I’m on the Democratic side, so I like to joke that I get paid and I’m entitled to to have my political opinions and to share them. But I don’t get vulnerability, hangovers, and I believe it’s because I have a role. I have a very clear role in that instance. I am there as a Democratic political analyst, so they want me to share my opinions. They want me to share my commentary. That’s what I’m there for. So I have a role. I have a very clear title for myself. And so when I share those particular things on TV, then I know that that’s just the role.
Carol Cox:
That’s what’s expected of me. So can you give yourself a role when you are getting ready to share a personal story again, whether it’s as a speaker or as a podcast host or a podcast guest? If I think about it here as the podcast host, that is the role that I’m playing. So I can think about when I share personal stories, how am I doing it for the benefit of you, the listener, for the audience in my role as a podcast host, and how can you do this in your role as a speaker, or as a coach or as a thought leader? If you put that hat on and you give yourself that role or that alter ego, it may make it easier for you to share those stories. The sixth strategy is to have a support system, and this support system can be informal. It can be a group of friends that you have where maybe you tell them, oh, I’m getting ready to to drop a podcast episode today, and I’m feeling a little bit vulnerable about that. And usually they will give you a lot of cheerleading and a lot of support around that. Or it could be a more formal support system. You could be part of a mastermind or a group coaching program. Where part of the program is to stretch you, is to encourage you to step outside of your comfort zone, to share these more vulnerable stories and experiences with your audiences.
Carol Cox:
This kind of support system is what we provide for our clients, whether we’re working with our clients one on one or in our masterminds and our groups. We have a brand new program that is starting very soon called the Thought Leader Academy for Women Entrepreneurs. It’s a combination of one on one coaching and group calls, which is what we have found that our clients really get the most out of having that one on one time with our coaches to extract those ideas and to ask those questions, and to get everything out of your head and onto a Google doc or onto our signature talk canvas, our storyboard. But then our clients also love the community aspect of having each other, of supporting each other, knowing what each other is working on, and being able to provide feedback on that. So when our Thought Leader Academy program, you are going to work on your thought leadership message and container, your signature talk, your movement making speech. So this is your Ted style speech. How to generate revenue from speaking and thought leadership. You’ll also be working on your personal brand and visibility plan and on your confidence, your mindset, and your limiting beliefs. I am so excited about this particular program. It really brings together everything that we do with our clients into something that is structured and has a very clear beginning, middle and end so that you know when you’re done, you’re going to be walking away with very tangible things your thought leadership message and container, your signature talk, your Ted style talk, your speaking plan for visibility and for revenue.
Carol Cox:
And along with all that, having that confidence to go bolder and bigger with your message, your thought leadership and what you’re putting out there. If this sounds intriguing to you, go to speaking your brand.com/academy again, that’s speaking your brand.com/academy. And you can get on the waitlist. If you’re listening to this relatively close to when this episode airs. Go there to get on the waitlist so that you’re the first to know when we announce all of the details for the program. So let’s recap the strategies for vulnerability hangovers. Number one, normalize it for yourself. Know that you’re probably going to feel some type of vulnerability hangover, especially early on, and know that it’s entirely expected and it’s normal to feel that way. Even write yourself a note so that you can look at it at 3 a.m. or the next morning, write yourself a note and say, this is to be expected. It is okay. Strategy number two is that the more you do it, the easier it gets. So start building those vulnerability muscles. Strategy number three be clear on why you’re doing it. The bigger purpose, the bigger meaning. If you come, keep coming back to that. It will make it easier.
Carol Cox:
Strategy number four have boundaries in place about what are the specifics and details that you want to share ahead of time. Strategy number five give yourself a role or a title or an alter ego. Strategy number six have that support system around you. Again, whether it’s informal or it’s formal. I know our speakers at our upcoming summit are going to love seeing you there live, to give them support and to cheer them on. You can register for free at Speaking your brand.com/summit. Again, speaking your brand.com/summit or text the word speaking to 33777. Cannot wait to see you there! This episode wraps up the series that we’ve been doing called Use Your Voice. You can find all of the episodes in this series just by looking back in your podcast queue. You can also go to the Speaking Your Brand.com website under the main podcast menu. We have all of the series that we’ve done. The next series that we’re starting is all around storytelling. We’re going to be talking about the kinds of stories to share in your speaking and your thought leadership. We’re also going to be talking about what we can learn from Hamilton, the play and the production. I have a guest on Joy Spencer who will be talking about going from speech making to movement making, and we have a whole lot more, so be sure to subscribe to the podcast if you haven’t already. Leave us a rating and review if you’ve been enjoying this. And until next time, thanks for listening.
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